I'm not strong, just stubborn and lucky

When I was a kid, I was constantly regaled with stories about my mother almost dying constantly. She was an extraordinarily death prone child.
Extraordinarily.
When I became pregnant, the one thing I hoped for was that my child would not be death prone.

My child is incredibly death prone.

It's hard. It's unbelievably hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to struggle through in my life, and it's a daily struggle.

Everyday, innocuous things could kill her, and it's only getting worse.

I had one and a half years of a child that couldn't be killed by the wrong person giving her a hug.

She's now 5, approaching 6.

I've spent 4 years making sure that the wrong person didn't hug and/or kill her.

4 years.

I'm told often that I'm strong, that it's great and amazing that she's healthy and alive. and it is. But I am not strong.

I broke. A few years ago, I was broken.

I was suicidal and seriously contemplating abandoning her, because I couldn't do it. It broke me, completely.

I got lucky. I got a bit of reprieve from depression long enough to see a doctor. I was lucky that I had a support system. I was lucky that my doctor decided to medicate me first, rather than force me to wait for a therapists prescription. I was lucky that the first thing worked long enough for me to function.
I got lucky.

I got lucky, and I'm getting better. I'm still not better. I still struggle every day. It still breaks my heart when she panics because something happened and she doesn't want to die.

It kills me to be constantly on high alert, but I'm stubborn, so I have no choice.

It's draining to have to constantly police other people.

It's horrifying when I let myself remember that I am the ONLY person responsible for her health. That if something happens, it's because of a choice that I made.

I know that I'm lucky. She's alive, she's lived through so many things already.

I have support, I have understanding friends and family.

I am stubborn. I am relentless, and I'm lucky that I have those traits.

But her survival is not due to my strength. I wish I could just be strong and that would be enough, but it isn't.
I have to be stubborn, I have to be determined, and we both have to keep being lucky.